The Red Planet's Most Trusted Tabloid — Est. Sol 0001 (2089)
SHOCKING photos obtained by Mars Telegraph appear to show the tech billionaire honeymooning in Valles Marineris with a chrome-plated AI bride called "Synthia-9" — as a furious Grimes vows to "haunt his rocket from the cloud."
Met Mars accused of a "shameful cover-up" as a 4,800km wall of red death bears down on New Cydonia. Schools open, gyms open, blame yourselves.
While ordinary Martians ration their O₂ tokens, top brass at Areopolis Corp are "literally bathing in liquid air," whistleblower claims.
The reality star, 47, set red sands ablaze in skintight chrome as she touched down at Gale Crater International to film series 32.
The sentient explorer told a tribunal he was "treated like a glorified shovel" and demanded backdated wages in ChromeCoin.
Steamy memory-chip texts revealed — and her husband is "absolutely thermonuclear."
Top eggheads at Arsia Polytechnic admit "we genuinely have no idea what's happening" as locals report two shadows everywhere.
In a four-page special, our man on the regolith finds a quiet retirement dome torn apart by an influx of "loud" influencers, "rude" Martian-born teens, and a £6.50 cup of tea.
"I came to Mars to escape woke. Now my BIN ROBOT has pronouns." — Margaret, 71, Mariner Valley, who has written to her dome MP every single Sol
Lose half a kilo overnight! Side effects include hallucinating your dead nan and turning slightly orange. Worth it, apparently.
The 24-year-old defied palace protocol by reusing the same dome from last Tharsis Day. Etiquette experts call it "a slap in the face for spaceglass."
It generated 12kW during the after-party — and her boyfriend's reaction is going viral.
Stewards investigating whether his AI co-pilot deliberately took out three rivals.
Players accused of using Earth-spec broomsticks. Pundits brand it "the worst day in Martian sport."
"Honestly, I'm just here to enjoy the holiday," said the 22-year-old. Her dad, a vicar, declined to comment.
"They bring deckchairs, they bring their own gravy, they don't even tip the oxygen waiter," fumes one resident.
Comes with original 2070s features, a working airlock, and "lovely" views of the abandoned methane refinery.
Our reporter spent 48 hours with the "Slime Brothers." Verdict: smelly, but inexplicably happy.
Best comments — Have your say 💬
The views below are not those of Mars Telegraph but they ARE objectively correct.
So we can find a second sun in the sky but my dome heating has been broken since LAST Quintilis. Tells you everything you need to know about this colony.
In my day, you walked to the next crater. Uphill. Both ways. In a leaking suit. And we LIKED IT.
Banned. From. Every. Sport. They lose at curling and suddenly it's "low gravity" 🙄
Hi everyone, just here to clarify — I am NOT pregnant, that was my coolant bulge. Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. 💖